Purpose

It's been a while since I've felt like my life won't fall apart if I binge on food, so I've been experimenting with it. It was delightful. I ate chocolate sorbet, nuts, coconut milk ice cream, almond butter, chocolate, vegan desserts, salmon, carne asada, tortilla chips, guacamole, olives galore, whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it, for a week. At the end of the week, I feel like a different person. I feel like I'm not eating for hunger, but that I'm okay eating for pleasure. I feel like I've let go of a long-rooted fixation on control over my body, and thus control in my life. I mean, I ate sorbet in the afternoon, topless, between errands. Things are changing.

But I don't feel great physically. I feel overfed and lethargic, like I'm avoiding exercise because I don't want to control feelings of inadequacy and growth. It's easy to be full all the time; it's hard to be hungry, to feel somewhat empty and to still try to focus and power through what you're working on. There is a yogi saying that the less energy our bodies spend digesting, the more energy they can spend pursuing our real purpose. It's a fine balance between underfed and unable to focus and pursue, and being overfed and being unable to experience bliss. When it comes down to it, experiencing the whole spectrum of existence is what life is all about. In that sense, this past week was about experiencing excess.

But I don't want to continue that. I want to honor myself by treating my body and stomach like a high performance vehicle. I want to put my house in order. I want to acknowledge that it isn't a permanent state, and that things ebb and flow, but I want to try it for a week and see how it feels. More specifically:

I will remove sugar from my diet.

I will eat small square meals.

I will eat only when I'm hungry.

I will feel hunger and sit with it, experience it, observe it.

I will exercise every day, as part of this experiment.

I will love my body, and treat my body with respect.

I will go to yoga 3 times this week.

I will drink tea when I would have otherwise eaten.

I will listen to my heart and follow my plan.

I will look beyond myself, to the experience of trying something, of saying to myself, "You don't know what everything is like. You don't know is right for you. So try this! Don't give up on this just because it's hard or it hurts! See what happens when you go to bed without a snack. See what happens when you eat half as much. See if you read a book and drink tea at a coffee shop. See if you ride your bike around for no particular reason, or call a friend you've been putting off calling. See if you take a nap. See if people bother you less because you don't have this creeping feeling that you're not treating yourself well, and thus become irritable and mean.

See if you get closer to your purpose. See if you get more comfortable, content, able, and loving in pursuing your purpose, in sitting with your purpose, breathing in your purpose, feeling the feelings surrounding your purpose. This week is an active meditation in loving yourself and appreciating the challenge you have put forth for yourself. You can win.